[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No