[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.


Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.


When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.


Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol


*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive