@athleisure_monk

[God creating beards]
ADAM: God, I don’t like my face.
GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes.
ADAM: What? That’s not—
GOD: Done.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@Chumpstring

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@lmegordon

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@EyalTweet

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@ItsAndyRyan

My english teacher said my grammar was terrible but I got a job as a proof reeder, so now whose laughing?