@athleisure_monk

[God creating beards]
ADAM: God, I don’t like my face.
GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes.
ADAM: What? That’s not—
GOD: Done.

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@Carbosly

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

@Marlebean

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

@bornmiserable

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

@neiltyson

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

@desi_princess

Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.

@tiemoose

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

@unmehlievable

Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…

Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends

@LostFelicia

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

@squirrel74wkgn

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.