ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
You Might Also Like
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!