[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.