“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.