@blade_funner

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

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@jwoodham

If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but my cooking is the reason my girlfriend became a Vegan.

@EndhooS

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

@SconesMortensen

Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?

*everyone looks at me*

Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack

@pittdave13

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@LosLos__

Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

@pork_steaks

“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”

@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second