G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

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If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.


Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.


Not to brag, but my cooking is the reason my girlfriend became a Vegan.


[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”


Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?

*everyone looks at me*

Me [dressed as Batman]: that’s not me, my name is Jack


*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top


Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat


Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.


“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”


all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second