[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
You Might Also Like
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
No laws when master is gone
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Every damn time
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”