[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.