[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
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my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Good point.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
the composer
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
real
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack