@ShellHasDragons

God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.

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@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@Mr_Kapowski

My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they’ve started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection

@abu29ine

stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day

@TweetPotato314

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

@WritePlay

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side

@ArfMeasures

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

@KeetPotato

friend who’s just been travelling: “in thailand there’s an energy that connects with my aura”
me: “in spain onion rings have squid inside”

@karanbirtinna

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.