Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.
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My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they’ve started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
friend who’s just been travelling: “in thailand there’s an energy that connects with my aura”
me: “in spain onion rings have squid inside”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.