God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.