God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.