Give that chicken a kazoo.

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In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.


On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*


MIDWIFE crisis!



The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.


Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan


ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!


ME: Store credit, then?


Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.


On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it


Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.