In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
ME: Store credit, then?
Life cycle of cat
Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first