@blade_funner

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

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@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

@breatheandlove

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

@milexro

The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.

@tamytoo2

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

@chloethesiren

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

@markleggett

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

@Carbosly

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.