[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
*Inspirational Tweets*
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.