[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.


Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.


My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know


jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same


My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix


Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.


NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while


[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER: k-i-m


I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.


Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??