@TheHyyyype

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

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@TheTweetOfGod

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know

@TheHyyyype

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

@groovuroy

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

@chelliet22

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

@KylePlantEmoji

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

@panmidwest

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

@neiltyson

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

@TitansHomer

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??