@TheHyyyype
@TheTweetOfGod
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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@TheTweetOfGod
@GaryJanetti
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
@DarzieDAMN
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know
@TheHyyyype
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
@groovuroy
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
@chelliet22
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
@KylePlantEmoji
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
@panmidwest
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
@neiltyson
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
@TitansHomer
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??