I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name
Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.