God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.


Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine


You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present


If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.


Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.


A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.


My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.


The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.