God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You Might Also Like
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…