@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@notthattom

i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…

“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”

@dadmann_walking

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

@SnizzleFrizzle

My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.

@rad_milk

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

@horsedetective

Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.

@VodkaTiem

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

@E_lok44

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.