@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

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@MrGeorgeWallace

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@SF_incognito

You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name

Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present

@StatusInBeirut

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

@MoarCaffeine

Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.

@NoLuckWanted

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

@juliussharpe

My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.

@moiragallaga

The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.