@Elizasoul80
@junejuly12
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
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@junejuly12
@timdonakowski
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
@notthattom
i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…
“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”
@dadmann_walking
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
@cherikisms
did it work
@SnizzleFrizzle
My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.
Too bad it’s neither of them.
@rad_milk
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
@horsedetective
Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.
@VodkaTiem
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
@E_lok44
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.