God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

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“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”


Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.


i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…

“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”


I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.


My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.


I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now


Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.


Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?


People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.