God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
SPLOOT
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner