Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn’t mean he’s racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I’d start over.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”