@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

You Might Also Like

@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@bartandsoul

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

@OVO_Ty15

I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.

@JoroPotential

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

@2tickytacky

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

@Sickayduh

Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn’t mean he’s racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I’d start over.

@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@bingowings14

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”