[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.