GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
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Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
How it started: How it’s going:
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance