@themiltron

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

You Might Also Like

@earfdae

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

@ObscureGent

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

@coolauntV

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

@CrockettForReal

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

@sad_tree

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

@Rollinintheseat

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

@Tups13

I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.

@RalstonReports

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

@RadWizzy

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”