[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.


Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.


interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to


[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee


My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year


There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE


If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.


I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.


Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.


My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”