[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.