[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Breaking news:
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something