[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.