@OtherDanOBrien

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

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@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@MarieLoerzel

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

@mydmac

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@squirrel74wkgn

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

@MeReflectingMe

Prince Charles is not at all pleased with the Genie that misheard his “coronation” wish.

@daemonic3

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

@Shock_Monster

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.

@Cpin42

Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

@djdarrellripley

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

@TheHyyyype

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”