[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks


If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.


*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.


Prince Charles is not at all pleased with the Genie that misheard his “coronation” wish.


DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken


Hostess: Table for one?


Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.


Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.


Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…


the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”