*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]
Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Some people are down to earth while others are not quite far down enough.
Therapist: what’s your problem today?
Me: I have this constant eye roll.
Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.