[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

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*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?


[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]

Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…


I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.


Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.


Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.


Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!


Therapist: what’s your problem today?

Me: I have this constant eye roll.

Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.