[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.