[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
This pepper has seen some shit
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.