[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
i made a craigslist ad !
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”