[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.


Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.


If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*


Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.


why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?


“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american


Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”


me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no


I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.


Uber driver: ………..

Me: ……….

Uber driver: ……….

Me: 5 stars.