@3sunzzz

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

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@cheeky__gal

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@neiltyson

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@NicestHippo

“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

@TheHatStore

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

@AngelaEhh

I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.

@MohanadElshieky

Uber driver: ………..

Me: ……….

Uber driver: ……….

Me: 5 stars.