[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.