@isabelzawtun

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

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@TragicAllyHere

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

@Kica333

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@Parkerlawyer

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

@NoogsCorner

Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.

@AnniemuMary

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

@KarenKilgariff

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

@astutenewf

*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?

@jonnysun

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost