[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot


Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.


my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min


I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.


Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.


Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.


I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”


A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”


*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?


if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost