[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people