My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
ugh not again
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”