My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Not messing around
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together