[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Reporter: *ports again*
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.