[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Generation gap…
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The three genders.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,