god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I never needed anything more in my life
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I bet birds love this building.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
We have a winner.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked