[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Duolingo getting serious.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.