This could’ve been an email.
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Wait, let me explain..”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!