The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
absolute chaos
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA