[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
You Might Also Like
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them