[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
thanks auntie mary
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.