I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I feel it
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had