I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.