@Smug_Lemur

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

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@sophielou

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

@EllaZee5

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

@neonwario

WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler

@KentWGraham

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

@Brianhopecomedy

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

@PJTLynch

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@jsteele3966

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

@MsSkarsgaard

Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?

Me: Oh. I can read.

@RunOldMan

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.