Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?
Me: Oh. I can read.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.