[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
It’s a gift
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help