@smells_fine

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

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@Staggfilms

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

@Bob_Heller

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

@notacroc

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.

@CooIStepDad

[running from cop]

*cop catches me*

“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”

*pulls jellyfish from pocket*

“Look they were all out of tazers”

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@murrman5

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no