[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams


Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.


BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.


Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.


[running from cop]

*cop catches me*

“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”

*pulls jellyfish from pocket*

“Look they were all out of tazers”


This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no