[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
You Might Also Like
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
PARKOUR
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen