*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
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[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
me hitting on a model
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.