I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.