[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”