[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Unexpected Judgment
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.