(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.