Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.