Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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[Weights bench at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
me: Did you brush your teeth?
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.