[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
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Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]